We Were Better Off When We Were Little Children

All my hopes and dreams scatter like ashes...
Up in flames, a quiet disaster...
One day something went wrong, everything changed,
Now we're patching these holes in our souls 
where a ball and chain...

We were better off when we were little children,
When our faith came as easy as freedom,
When we dreamed we could fly,
Hope was shining in our eyes,
We were better off when we were children.
~Elenowen, 2012 (click to listen)

These are the words to a song I heard today for the first time. 
Today is the day after I heard of the death of Drew MacLean, one of Buddy's closest friends at UF. 
Today is the day after the day that marks the end of life on earth for a young husband, father-to-be, brother, son, friend to all who knew him. 

This is not an obituary for the dead but simply written to formulate grief and sadness. I am sad for this family who was as close to each other as we are. I am sad for Marc, the brother who shared every friend with Drew, shared the same degree, a home, moments meant only for best friends. I am sad for my son, Buddy who has never grieved like this before. I am sad for my son, Jake, who has compared this event to what it must be like to lose his own brother. I am sad for Mr. and Mrs. MacLean and for Drew's young wife, Allison. I am sad for their unborn daughter who will never be held by this bear of a man who never had an enemy.

 
When we were children, most of us had bad dreams, bad thoughts, moments of fear and sadness...but they were only moments. We bounced back with zeal and a mere memory of loss or trouble. God made children with an amazing talent for pushing forward and tendency toward resilience. Children are optimistic. They dream of flying kites and being superheroes. Adults lose their dreams. They learn the truth about superheroes. Yes, we were better off when we were children.

But we can't stay children. We would never learn enough, or love enough. 

^"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. ~ I Corinthians 13:11-12

I am so looking forward to seeing you face to face, Lord. Until then, please continue to help us learn and love...and continue to be God.

Serious golfers

Drew, celebrating the best day of Bud's life with us.

The First One

the first one...


today i am recalling the events which led to my eldest child's birth.
some people might call it "Babies Having Babies".
while i was certainly the most mature 21 year old i'd ever met, in reality i was an infant myself. spiritually. i made the decision to quit college, marry young, and get a real job. what a life we were living! brand new house (mortgage - $329/mo.), brand new car (1979 thunderbird) and brand new boat (24' sea ray cabin cruiser that we kept in our driveway, which made it necessary to park on the street). to these defining possessions we were adding a child. perfect.


back in the day, early gender identification was a crap shoot so we decided not to have the official guess and be surprised with whoever god brought to us and just decorate in primary colors...which we all know is the major reason anyone REALLY wants to know...to solve the nursery design mystery.


because i came of age in the 70's, i chose no drugs for delivery. ( i also read breastfeeding books published by LaLeche League so that should tell you i was basically a dairy cow for all of my 20's.) poor baby jourdan. tugged into this harsh world with forceps, and then given a name that cannot be found on any magnets, mugs, or mini license plates. while i was weak, weak, weak with post-partum exhaustion, my mother-in-law slid a quick one in on me and asked me to spell my new baby's name with a "u" since it happened to be a family name on her father's side...of which we were totally unaware or else jourdan's name would have been "alexandria" or "edith" instead.


i was supposed to go back to work after 6 weeks and finish out my first year at my job so i could get a check for 2 weeks paid vacation. i opted not to for a couple of reasons:
1.) i could not tear myself away from this child, 
2.) when i told my boss (a proud member of N.O.W. and hater of babies) that i was pregnant, she asked, "well...are you going to HAVE it?" uhmmm....yeah, jerk. i'm not only going to have "it", i am going to be proud to be a mother who doesn't have a career that requires a business card and sensible shoes. so we sold the sea ray and became poor so that i could stay home with my perfect baby daughter with a "u".


at first, she slept in a hand made cradle next to my side of the bed. i tied one end of my robe belt around the rocking part of the cradle and held onto the other end so that i could lay in bed and rock her after she woke up for the 3rd time in the middle of the night. and jourdan loved to rock. i rocked her every day until i was too pregnant with her sister to lift her up out of the chair after she fell asleep. i'm sure that was traumatic for her. she was one of those you had to lay down with in order to get her to sleep.


if i knew then, what i know now, i would have laid down with her every night until she left home for texas at the age of 22. she has been "that" kid. the compliant one. the peaceful one. i should have had an inkling what her personality would be like when i was told my due date was dec. 24th and i stated, "i do not want to have this baby before christmas because i don't want to be in the hospital on christmas day." so she waited until the 27th, after i had packed up my christmas decorations, to come stay.


i could write an entire day about this first one. how we grew up together, how she became a friend, how proud we are of her, how strong she is, the way she cares for her younger siblings, her loyalty, her gifts, her importance to us. but today, i will just reflect that she is ours and i'll never understand why. except that god has used her to grow me up and to teach me unconditional love and make me grateful i know jesus better because of her.



















Happy Birthday, Jourdan.